(Year 1, Day 28) - PITT HALF, Week 3 of 12, Day 1

Approximately 30 minutes into the 60 minute spin workout, my knees started buggin me (feeling a little pain in my knees during a spin class is nothing out of the ordinary).  Spin classes are very intense, and can be dangerous to those with knee problems.  You need to listen to your body, and not be scared to respond appropriately.  I backed off a little, as i usually do, but unfortunately every time I hopped back into the workout they only felt worse.  I had to make the decision to ignore the rest of the group, and do a light spin for the remaining 30minutes of the workout.
I dont know what it is about my state of mind...but backing off in a group workout is very difficult for me.  I start feeling self-conscious about not going with the group... "what are they thinking about me?"  "they think i cant hang with them."  "he thinks Im self-absorbed and dont wanna do what the rest of the group is doing."

I have no idea why I get like this.  My mind has worked in this way since I began running.  I have to try and hide things.  I remember back to my senior year of track.  At this point I had been running competitively for almost 6 years.  In those 6 years I had NEVER ONCE BEEN INJURED (we had teammates who get injured every year...every season). 

Toward middle/end of the season I was running a track workout with our state-hopeful 3200 relay team.  After completing an interval, I could feel an out-of-ordinary pain in my right quad.  I could tell something wasnt quite right, but my mindset at the time was, "suck it up...you dont get hurt.  finish the workout and worry about it then."  It was almost like i was scared to say something.  Scared to back out of the workout.  My next interval was a 200m sprint.  We lined up at turn 3.  My coach dropped his arm from the finish line and we took off.  Predictably, coming around turn 4, my right quad pulls severely.  The rest of the team blows down the final straightaway, and I come hobbling down on one leg.

Even in this time of absolutely certainty over the condition of my leg, I STILL found it difficult to explain that something is terribly wrong and that I need to see the trainer. 

I know I said earlier that "I have no idea why I get like this," but I have just had an ah ha moment. 

I want to take responsibility for my own thoughts and actions.  I dont want to point fingers.  But we cannot help the fact that other people effect us in both positive and negatives ways throughout our lives.

I had been blessed with talented coaches throughout my first 5 years of running competitively.  However, my final season was overseen by a somewhat power-hungry coach man.  I understand that anyone and everyone who coaches a sport, teaches a class, or builds a home for a living is going to come into their job with a different approach.  This man came into his job with a very I-dont-trust-any-of-my-athletes attitude (which I realize, now, effected me in a very negative way).  He looked to everyone with a suspicious eye.  If you did not fit his strict-mold to the tee, he would punish you with no running.  He did not understand the lifestyle of a runner, and I did not understand him.

In six fucking years I had NEVER been injured in ANYWAY what-so-ever.  Athletes of my school would live in the trainers office...I had never stepped foot in it.  And now I am experiencing my first serious injury, coming at the worst possible time, with hopes of a state-qualifying relay in jeopardy.

When i reach the end of the final straightaway, I attempt to explain my leg.  The look I received from my "coach" (the man who is supposed to understand what we are going through, and look out for our well-being) was one of 'uh huh, stop trying to get out of a hard workout'. 

It has been quite a while since this event occurred, and I do not want to miss-quote someone....but I believe the first words out of his mouth when i reached the line were...in his often critical tone, "whats wrong with you?"

Are you kidding me?  This is what I get for trying to listen to my body?  Suspicion?  Accused of bailing on a workout?  Fuck you.

It is clear now why I ran that next 200m interval.  It was clear, in my head, that I should not be stepping to the line.  But I knew if I said anything, it would be met with 100% suspicion.

I didnt mean for this post to turn into a heated attack of a person who's not even in my life any longer.  But I think it is important for me to realize that not everyone is as suspicious as him.  I was in that spin class yesterday, my knees starting to hurt, when I decide I need to back off and not risk injury.  I spent the remainder of the workout doing an easy spin, and thinking about how everyone else is thinking I'm pussing out. 

Erik, stop worrying about everyone else!..NO ONE CARES!  These people are not taking hours out of their day to come critique your workout.  They are their to improve their own quality of life, just as you are there to improve yours.  They dont give a damn if your Lance Armstrong or the goofy lady in the back corner singing to herself. 

Breakthrough